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12.06.2011

Trauma

Trauma : trau·ma/ˈtroumə/
Noun:

1. A deeply distressing or disturbing experience.


I never give myself too long to wallow in self-pity & hurt. I've been there, I've done that, and I've got a t-shirt. After your first heartbreak, something inside of you changes; you can either a) vow to never let yourself get so immersed in someone else that you find yourself broken and on the ground, with pain slowly ebbing out of you, or b) dust yourself off and move on. I went with option a for a large portion of my romantic life, and then I met Donny. (Name changed to protect people's feelings)

Donny was unlike any guy I've ever come across. He picked me up when I was on the ground. I was afraid to feel because my feelings were disregarded before. I was afraid to love because my love was thrown back at me so effortlessly. I was afraid to even let myself consider the possibility of someone wanting ME, because the first one had used up all of my resources.

But Donny? Oh, Donny did a number on my heart. Those first few blissful months were unlike anything I've ever came across. He tore down every defense and I fell deep. I hopped on buses to New York without question. I was at his beck and call, giving him way too much of everything.

Donny got comfortable. I ignored his hood ways, because he showered me with affection, attention and interest. I was his queen and he treated me as such. What he couldn't do in money, he did with words. What he couldn't do for himself, he did for me.

But then Donny’s hood ways and hustler's mentality got him sent away and this love bubble that I was in, burst. Reality hit me like a ton of bricks and the waves of memories flooded my brain. All of the wrong I over looked, suddenly was staring me down. I couldn't sleep, I barely could stomach food for too long, because I was knee deep in something that I suddenly didn't want but didn't know how to escape.

Because, he technically didn't treat me bad, he treated himself bad. He couldn't understand that him not doing for himself was affecting me. I started imaging a life as the sole bread-winner, and bailing my husband out of jail every other month and doubt started to chip away at our bond. He sensed it and he left.

I felt my heart die when he said that me having no confidence in him ruined us. I never was a source of pain for someone else, so my guilt railed on me and left me in this state of trauma.

For the first time in a long time, I was forced to feel things. I was forced to let this heartache overwhelm me after keeping it at bay for what felt like eternity.

A lot of self-reflecting ensued and now here I am, picking up the pieces. I'm stronger and I know what I need now more than ever.

I'm happy.

There's beauty in the breakdown, so don't ignore your feelings. Relish in them because they are an intricate part of who you are.

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