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11.02.2011

The Breakdown.

This was like slowly pulling off a Band-Aid. A not yet fully healed wound that was re-exposed to the outside world. So on top of this wound not being fully healed the sensation of the Band-Aid being pulled from your flesh is now added to your own personal form of hell. That’s the only way I can accurately portray what this final show-down felt like.

And maybe it felt that way because there was finality in it. No more back and forth. No more head trips. No more of me giving to this black hole whose main goal in life was to make me feel inadequate about my contributions. No more endless worry and playing Russian roulette, feeling as if the floor of my heart cavity is going to give out at any second.

I never knew how utterly wrong this was until right came along. But I’d like to keep telling myself that I came to this final conclusion on my own, without any help from outside forces. I’d like to tell myself that this ending was brought about by my own careful consideration, and my own strength. That’s what I’d like to tell myself anyway.

After a year and a half of this agonizing roller-coaster of emotional turmoil, it’s done. I can’t say that I’m entirely comfortable with this state of complete emotional un-attachment from someone else. Because, let’s face it, I don’t like being alone. But it feels good. To go into something with a clear head and no outside forces altering how I respond to someone else’s advances. Someone’s amazing advances….

I digress, because this isn’t about that.

This is about how I feel right now. How I feel right here and now in the middle of this astounding break-down. I’m reluctant to admit that I’m happy, because that girl inside of me who feels compelled to take care of every broken thing around her is screaming to go back and HELP, but this other girl who’s resources are tapped, and eyes are wet with tears, and hands won’t stop shaking from the anxiety of another missed phone call is utterly relieved. Honestly.

This whole ordeal has zapped almost all of my joy. But it’s over. So, where to?
I never thought I’d get to the point where I was someone who said that love wasn’t enough. Love is everything, don’t get me wrong, but love can cloud your vision to the things that are happening around you. I couldn’t see how devastating this was, because love carried us. I didn’t understand that love wasn’t enough to sustain something. If you aren’t headed in the direction I see my life story going in, what purpose do you serve? Convenience? Sure. But I’m getting too old to stay somewhere because it’s fun. It was time to look at the bigger picture, and that picture wasn’t any Basquiat, that’s for sure.

So, love and light. That’s all I send from here on out. My love has to be given from a distance, because it’s unhealthy for me to give it to you up close.

2 comments:

*Hollywood* said...

"I’m reluctant to admit that I’m happy, because that girl inside of me who feels compelled to take care of every broken thing around her is screaming to go back and HELP, but this other girl who’s resources are tapped, and eyes are wet with tears, and hands won’t stop shaking from the anxiety" MY FAV LINE <3 no worries mama

Sabrina Merriman said...

Excellent! Writing skills are getting stronger!