The Self-Discovery Files

1.03.2013

New Year, Worse Me?

12:23 PM | Posted by Eboni Merriman | | Edit Post

I woke up on 1.1.13, surrounded by two sleeping beauties still in their cocktail dresses from the night before, and just KNEW that this would be the year that would change everything. I felt this… light, if you can call it that, all over my being. I had projects in the works, I was bringing my A game with my craft, and I declared to myself that I would be the best woman, girlfriend, friend, sister, daughter, etc. etc. ever.

However, on 1.3.13, I’m filled with anger, anxiety and uncertainty without a direct target or source. I don’t know where this cloud of bad energy came from, but I’ve given up on everyone and everything around me.

I have the flu four days before my 21^st birthday, my sister is going through a break-up, and if you know she and I, you know it’s like me basically going through one as well, and my own relationship is filled with uncertainty. Because, if she could be ENGAGED to this man who promised to always love and care for her, what then becomes of my much less serious relationship?

On 1.3.13, I’m sitting here angry at myself for my current situation but still feel powerless to change it. To speak my mind, would be to lose a friend that I’ve grown so close with, but I feel suffocated. Solitude and isolation are things I thrive in, and I haven’t been able to be truly alone in quite some time, so naturally my soul is drained.

I’m trying to re-condition myself to not expect anyone to be there for me like I’ve been there for them, not to expect people to reciprocate all the good and all the support and all the time and work I’ve put in, but it’s so hard. So damned hard.

Basically, I’m on edge. But that’s not to say I’ve lost sight of the beauty God and the Universe have bestowed on me. I’m overwhelmingly grateful for the little things that show me He’s still here, looking out for my best interests.

This cloud has until Sunday to leave, because Monday I celebrate my life.

On Monday, I start this New Year over.

Labels: 2013, new year, resolutions | 0 comments

12.11.2012

Les Amuse-Bouches: Gourmet Erotica for the Discerning Palate

11:56 AM | Posted by Eboni Merriman | | Edit Post

Les Amuse-Bouches has featured the first installment of my novel as a snippet of what's to come. Please take some time and read that. The link can be found here:

http://www.lesamusebouches.net/but-i-am-free.html

Drop me a line here to tell me your thoughts!

xo.

Labels: black people, blessings, But I Am Free, drinking, drugs, drunk, english, erotica, family, fear, feminism, fiction, issues, love, love story, men, relationships, women | 0 comments

9.11.2012

ANOTHER love post.

7:15 AM | Posted by Eboni Merriman | | Edit Post

You’re my version of perfect. You are my slice of heaven that pushes me to get my soul clean so that one day I can actually experience this for eternity. You don’t even know the enormity of how you’ve shaped and continue to shape my entire being. My life is at such a transition and you’re there through every step. Pushing me to my limits, holding me accountable, showing me how to be better, and giving me advice where I falter.

I was so used to being the support system, that I didn’t know how to be supported. So used to pushing for others’ dreams, while mine sat on the backburner, that I wasn’t ready or able to be pushed. You give me so much. In terms of your heart, soul, mind, energy. I’m given the opportunity to feel beautiful, secure, and wanted.

You nurtured me from the first day we met, and I knew then that this is what I’d been searching for. From there, you’ve become everything I needed, and everything I didn’t know I needed.

I thought I knew what it meant to submit. My mother had done it for my entire life. But you’ve shown me that it means more than my previous understanding.

This experience is absolutely blissful, and something I will NEVER forget.

And for that, my love, I thank you.

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8.28.2012

For Natasha: Thank You.

8:36 AM | Posted by Eboni Merriman | | Edit Post

Sometimes people inspire you without even knowing, or trying.

My sisterfriend Tasha did that for me this morning. She was deployed out to the Gulf Coast this past Monday, as she is apart of the Navy, and at first I was afraid and saddened by her leaving. Who would watch over my sister out there? Who would have her back? That was always our job. The sisterfriends looked out for one another always, so it felt like a piece of us was breaking.

But then I got an email from Tasha this morning, and the tears instantly came. This girl I’ve known from adolescence who has at times been confused and frustrated, always trying to evolve and break the mold of who she could’ve become is out there risking her life, to make herself a better one. She didn’t succumb. She didn’t break. She’s out there making opportunities for herself.

And that helped me, when I’ve been having such a tough time with my purpose. I veered off course a bit, but Tasha brought me right back on track. I have to go out there and get it, because no one is going to hand it to me.

Tasha, I love you. You, as well as Nina and Lietta, are my better parts. Please be safe…

Until infinity.

Labels: 30in30, 365 days of writing dangerously, blessings, career, daily bread, Facebook, family, grind, inspiration, love, military, navy, reflection, thoughts, transition, work | 0 comments

8.21.2012

I Dont Know, Man..

1:17 PM | Posted by Eboni Merriman | | Edit Post

Lying with him, I already miss him. I ache for him before he even leaves. So I embed his scent into my consciousness, pull him closer so I can remember his heart’s rhythm and his body heat when he goes. I know I’ll yearn for him as soon as our limbs become untangled, so I must remember. I must not forget his hooded eyes burning into my soul. I must not forget the way his strong hands grip onto me. His forehead kisses, the bites on my cheeks, the playful fights for the phones scattered across the bed. Life gets in the way of these moments, so when they come, I must cherish them.

I don’t want this to end, ever. But like all good things, I know they must. But if anything, it’s fuel. I need to create the space and opportunity to have more times like these. Work ten times harder than I do now, so we can take the day off to just BE. Phones silenced and hearts open to receive one another’s souls. Old movies on the television are our background music. Minimal words are spoken but kisses are abundant.

We take a break from this intense session to nourish our bodies. I go to find food from outside, to allow the king his rest. When I get back, I just watch him for a moment. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, and things I didn’t even know I needed packaged into a handsome, solid being. I give thanks to the Most High for this gift, and then dive back into him without skipping a beat.

Lana Del Rey said, “I understood and I loved him. I loved him, I loved him, I loved him. And I still love him. I love him.”

I feel that. Deep inside. I feel where her head was at when she uttered those words so passionately. I beg of you to open your heart and allow this absolutely astounding feeling into your heart.

Heaven is a place on Earth with you.

Labels: 30in30, 365 days of writing dangerously, battle, blessings, fear, flawless, gratitude, love, love story, reflection, sentimental, thoughts | 0 comments

8.14.2012

Self-Love

11:21 AM | Posted by Eboni Merriman | | Edit Post

Having unreliable people around you is oddly empowering. It puts things into perspective about where you stand. I came to the staunch realization that if things are to be done concerning my life, I’d be the only person to do them. Some people are blessed to always have a helping hand around to assist them, but others like me, have to do things on their own. All the time. Even calling to ask for advice is too much. And I’m not here to complain, because the help that comes sparingly is always surprising and appreciated. I’m just here to reflect and encourage someone like me that (admittedly, “seemingly”) doesn’t have anyone to turn to.

I’m at a place of transition in my life. Which is normal for me. Something I’ve come to embrace. I can never sit still for too long, and I’ve had to tell myself that it’s just how I’m made. It would be nice to have someone help me figure out all the logistics of what I’m trying to do, push and encourage me to get there, and just come through for me when they say they will. But that doesn’t happen. And sure, I’m human. I get upset. I want to rant and cry about how I’m always there, and the favor is never returned, but either I’m tucking my hurt in really well, or I’ve come to adapt to the notion that no one owes me anything. Everyone’s human with their own lives and struggles, and I have to do this alone.

Relying on other people and giving them the capacity to hurt you is something I stopped doing. Friends, family, associates… they mean well. But no one can love you like YOU. No one can take care of you like YOU. You know exactly what you need and what you want to achieve. No matter how well you may articulate that to someone else, the point may never get clearly across.

Take care of yourself.

Labels: 30in30, 365 days of writing dangerously, blessings, career, essay, family, fear, heartbreak, hurt, love, New York, reflection, self love, transition | 0 comments

8.13.2012

Ghost.

10:12 AM | Posted by Eboni Merriman | | Edit Post

We are similar in our love of music and education and the plight of our people. We defer in his straight-laced lifestyle, whereas I am chasing the sunshine. He doesn’t use his words, but he uses his eyes. His hands. His demeanor. I use my words where my actions sometimes lack. He is my rock and my shoulder to lean on. I am his help-meat. Our relationship if filled with the things he does, and things I say. He is reliable. I don’t know what role I play in his life, but we work. No one understands and sometimes find his lack of words odd. But I know. And that’s all that matters.