I woke up on 1.1.13, surrounded by two sleeping beauties still in their cocktail dresses from the night before, and just KNEW that this would be the year that would change everything. I felt this… light, if you can call it that, all over my being. I had projects in the works, I was bringing my A game with my craft, and I declared to myself that I would be the best woman, girlfriend, friend, sister, daughter, etc. etc. ever.
However, on 1.3.13, I’m filled with anger, anxiety and uncertainty without a direct target or source. I don’t know where this cloud of bad energy came from, but I’ve given up on everyone and everything around me.
I have the flu four days before my 21st birthday, my sister is going through a break-up, and if you know she and I, you know it’s like me basically going through one as well, and my own relationship is filled with uncertainty. Because, if she could be ENGAGED to this man who promised to always love and care for her, what then becomes of my much less serious relationship?
On 1.3.13, I’m sitting here angry at myself for my current situation but still feel powerless to change it. To speak my mind, would be to lose a friend that I’ve grown so close with, but I feel suffocated. Solitude and isolation are things I thrive in, and I haven’t been able to be truly alone in quite some time, so naturally my soul is drained.
I’m trying to re-condition myself to not expect anyone to be there for me like I’ve been there for them, not to expect people to reciprocate all the good and all the support and all the time and work I’ve put in, but it’s so hard. So damned hard.
Basically, I’m on edge. But that’s not to say I’ve lost sight of the beauty God and the Universe have bestowed on me. I’m overwhelmingly grateful for the little things that show me He’s still here, looking out for my best interests.
This cloud has until Sunday to leave, because Monday I celebrate my life.
On Monday, I start this New Year over.